I'm out there

And if you'd rather stay in at night
I can relate to that
And if it feels like your heart's dried up
I can relate to that
And if you need someone at your side
I am out there, I'm out there


I've been listening to nightmare of you. they're pretty good. The kind of songs I wished to write before..
It's been a really boring weekend. with my mac down since wed, after coming back from camp.


Yes I crashed sim's windsurfing orientation camp and had a lot of fun. In the process met a handful of nice people. and it's all good.. I feel like I'll be able to go for my own school's orientation with a good vibe. we're the 1st batch thou, don't know what to expect..


The more I sit here and think, I begin to wonder if I've lost my interest in writing, blogging, song writing. That little voice inside my head no longer resonates as loudly as it used to be. could it be that it has started to grow outward and beyond me. I mean people change. I certainly have, I'm not sure how, but it slowly creeps into you.


maybe this is me preparing for yet another phase of life. or maybe this is me coming out of the cold. for it does feel like i've been in the cold for awhile.


I wouldn't say that after all I've been through nothing fazes me.. but perhaps I'm not as afraid as falling anymore.

dying out

I noticed that I haven't been blogging a lot lately. In fact the more free time I have the less likely' I'll blog. and it's probably because in my free time I do nothing. Nothing so there is nothing to blog. about. Or it could be that finally since ord, my full time of ns served has drained everything of me. I am a unit now, and I let the thoughts and actions of our society today control me. and society today says blogs are out, so yeah bet no one's reading anyways.


So what have I been up to lately ? well if you haven't met me for years then yes I can tell you lots of things. But if you've only recently asked me that question and I obligingly answered. well try again a couple of months later. Same old same old.


Of course its not that I haven't done anything new at all. Would you be interested to know that I recently leveled my world of warcraft character ? or that I bought a new pair of slippers that looks a lot like the old one. 


I think I used to be the new thing guy. I'd say hey lets go to this new place, lets try this new thing, lets put this new thing in our mouths. I just lost it somewhere. Now I just wish someone would be my new thing buddy. and convince me to get my feet off the ground and try something new. 

and sometimes

I like stay up late because I don't want the day to end.


This happens on 2 occasions, when I've had a lot of fun and I don't want it to end, or I haven't had any fun at all and don't want the day to end like this. I went to camp today, finished most of my clearance and accomplished nothing. So you can probably guess why of the 2 occasions I'm staying up for. (there's also a 3rd reason, ie; world cup; special occasions, but it's not about that today)


and so I wait all night for a feeling to come. maybe I'll strum some tunes, maybe I'll level a character. but eventually I know that nothing will be accomplished. cause well, it's another wasted day. welcome to the club 05/07/10. another wasted day closer to a wasted life.


I live to live. basically thats it. I think hey I'm gonna do that, and I do it. Hey I'm gonna watch an ep of cougar town, and I'll do it later. I've seemed to lost something ..


something youthful, the joy of innocence and ignorance.


Sometimes, I wish I could just take it all back.

Sometimes

I promised myself that I'd be meaner, cuz I'm too nice..or too soft sometimes..
and what better way then to say this. I'm too nice, yo people shoulda appreciate if not, mean mark will beet you on the head with a stick.


Especially if ya threaten me . I don't like being threatened, or cornered. It makes me think of evil genius ways to get back at ya.. which only works if I remain mean and not get soft and forgive you.


So sometimes.. 

Grab a beer

'Grab a beer n buck up champ ! '
is probably the best (when i say best i also mean only) cheer up line a dude can say to another distraught dude. Then nothing else will ever be done, or brought up about said problem.


The feminist and sensitive 'new-age' g*ys can say what they want. but if you're a boy, and you grow up rightfully, to be a man. at some point you'd realize that real men, like pirates bury treasure. and they also bury their emotions, problems, past, grudges, fears, self-doubt, thoughts, everything.


I always thought I write journals, blogs and someday I'll look back and read them and laugh and be happy. maybe that 'someday' isn't here yet but I've tried reading my own blog and I don't like it at all. It's probably becuz the blogs and journals are my 'burial grounds'. and sure reminiscing and reliving the past in your head can be fun sometimes. but only becuz in my head, it's all filtered. no bad stuff. bad stuff is all buried.


so buried your head is clear.

so..

so I went to pluck my wisdom tooth.. all 4 of them at once.. My face has started to swell up now, and I'm havin a sore throat from the ng .. I was totally knocked out during the surgery, and no I didn't have vivid visions of them operating on me. I but I did remember regaining consciousness in the operating room right after they had finished, and the doctor asked if I was okay. I just showed him a thumbs up. then it was back to sleep for me.


I wouldn't recommend anyone go for 4 at once (though I hear it's pretty common) what sucks most is that you'll have to be knocked out and ng-tubed. The 1st thing I felt when I woke up was my nose and my throat. The rest was numb, still semi numb.

Oh this is the bag of teeth they left me. bloodied, I'm not gonna keep it.

If there's one thing I take away from this experience. when you're lying in bed semi-conscious, weak from anesthetic, with gauze stuffed into your mouth. don't try to get up. 

I'm kidding that wasn't it. what I came to realize was the first thing or person that came to my mind, it puts things in perspective. It's gotta mean something then, especially if it made you smile a little.

and then I was discharged, 1 miss call from work, an sms. with no good news or friendly greetings.. fuckit, 2 more weeks to ord.

no thought required

Wow Is out, so I'm bored. I'm trying to write songs which I haven't done for ages. Maybe I lost my spark, or maybe it's a result of not having a clear direction in my life. See song writing is life, in a way. You could write fun songs, meaningful songs, straightforward or controversial types. Kinda like how you choose your life to be.

Do you live in the fun of the moment. take it easy, and accept whatever comes. or do you grab life by the horns n steer it where you want to. Do you live to love, or love to live. would you fight the future ? Sometimes I'd like to think I can just have fun, live in the moment. but often after the fun ends I think about the past, present and future. and think to myself, where have I gone. More often then not I find the answer to be nowhere. I think of all my shortcomings and it annoys me much. I would think that it will take a long time before I can see any efforts make headway in overshadowing my shortcomings.

and I guess thats the part that makes people afraid. you'd often have to commit a lot of effort over a long period of time to something before you realize if that effort was worth in the first place.. There's no way to tell, but we can only use the information we have at hand to decide. It's like betting.